Friends in Odd Places
by ReferenceGoddess
Summary: We all know McCoy's divorce was bitter - "nothing left but my bones", remember?  Someone steps in from left field to give him a hand.
1. FIOP 1  San Francisco

**Friends in Odd Places**

An idea from my husband - Shatner wanted to play a part in the New Trek? Well, here's his chance. (be careful what you wish for, sir - anyone who watched _Buffy_ knows that 'wish' is truly a four-letter word) I'm pretty sure that this qualifies as crack-fic. I don't consider this to be in the same universe as my other Trek 2009 stories. If it were (but it isn't!), it would be after "Reception and Revelations" and before "Worse Than His Bite." And, I might add, I can't believe no one has done this particular crossover, since there seems to be nothing the fans love better than doppelganger crossovers (OK, they love slash more.) Maybe I just haven't looked in the right places.

Standard disclaimers: Universes and characters are the intellectual property of respective creators and corporations, not mine (sniff), and they retain all rights. No trademark/copyright infringement is intended, and no money or other material consideration exchanged hands.

Humor (I hope)

**##########**

**1 - San Francisco - Spring 2258**

The attractive woman approached the door of the dorm room. She had sweet talked her way through the security in the lobby, and was now ready to beard the lion in his den. She held down the buzzer for five full seconds. Let's see him ignore that.

She heard footsteps, and a muffled "Jim, could you get that?" She smiled. A twofer.

The door slid open to reveal a handsome young man. He had tousled blond hair and the most electrifying blue eyes she had ever seen. The woman thought that the news vids did not do the man justice. She really did have to mix pleasure with business on this case. It was, after all, a family tradition.

The young man smiled at her. "Well, how can I help you?"

" I need to get a hold of Doctor Leonard McCoy. He's been avoiding me."

The young man turned his head and hollered, "Hey, Bones, you have a visitor. And why the hell are you avoiding her? You crazy?"

Another man appeared in the doorway. The cliche "tall, dark and handsome" might have been created for this one she thought. Pity all the information they had on him indicated that he was very old-fashioned. Probably would not be interested in a threesome.

The woman smiled and handed McCoy a business card, an archaic oddity in this day and age.

"I'm Elaine Shore, of Crane, Shore and Associates," she said.

"Hey, I've heard of you," Kirk said. "One of the oldest law firms in North America, right?"

"Quite right, Captain,"

"Hey, no Captain here. Just a cadet."

"My information indicates that there's a big promotion in your near future," she said.

He shrugged. "Just call me Jim, then."

McCoy looked at her with deep suspicion. "I'm not too fond of lawyers," he said.

"Hardly a surprise, under the circumstances," she replied "My partner is convinced that you have been the victim of a grave injustice, and wishes to represent you."

McCoy shook his head in disbelief. "There's no way I could afford you."

"Very true, Doctor. But my partner is willing to take this case on contingency. We don't get paid unless we win - and my partner always, always wins."

-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-

They found themselves having lunch at one of San Francisco's most exclusive restaurants. Even though the Star Fleet men were in civilian attire, people recognized them. The staff at the restaurant politely but firmly kept anyone from bothering them.

"So, when will your partner be here?" asked McCoy, picking at his salad..

"Oh, soon, soon," replied Elaine. "Denny runs on his own time."

There was a disturbance by the door. An older man, a bit stout and florid was shaking hands with people as he made his way through the restaurant. As he got closer, they could hear him say, "Glad to see you here. Denny Crane." He waved at a few people across the restaurant before stopping beside Elaine.

Elaine noticed the doctor's slight frown; the way he looked at his friend, and then at Denny. Denny smiled at McCoy and Kirk.

"Gentlemen, it is a great pleasure to meet you. For some reason I feel like I've known you all my life," said Denny as he shook their hands vigorously. "Denny Crane."

"The seventh," added Elaine.

"And you, Kirk, well done. Couldn't done better myself." Denny beamed at Jim. Elaine could see McCoy and Kirk exchange glances of disbelief. Well, Denny had that effect on people. They sat back down at the table, and waited for Denny to place his order. He offered the wine bottle to McCoy and Kirk.

"You really must try this Picard '39. It was a very good year." Denny's face took on a look of nostalgia. "Yes, a very fine year it was."

"Ah, no thank you, sir," said McCoy, waving away the proffered drink. Elaine could see he was looking at puzzlement at the bottle's label, which clearly said '2139'. "I was wondering why you wanted to meet with me."

Denny leaned back in his chair. "You, my good doctor, have been the victim of a terrible miscarriage of justice. I want to set things right. Consider it a favor for an Enterprise crew member."

"And how do you propose to do that? Joce's lawyers were quite through."

"Ah, but you didn't have the advantage of our sage advice. I have centuries of experience..."

"Our firm, that is," Elaine interposed smoothly.

"In pulling off the impossible. It's all just a matter of knowing where to push." Denny beamed at McCoy.

McCoy looked unconvinced. "What's the weak point? Where exactly are you going to push?"

"Well, for a start, we have an open-and-shut case against your ex-wife in regards to visitation interference," Denny said. Elaine noticed McCoy sit up straight at that. Her information was (of course) once again correct. Of all the damage from the divorce, it was the situation with his daughter that hurt him the most.

Denny continued. "After that, there are the matters of defamation of character, damage to professional reputation, and more than a bit of out-and-out perjury on the part of several of the witnesses at your divorce trial. And, to wrap up everything, some malfeasance in office on the part of the judge presiding over the custody hearing."

"Which would be?" asked Jim, as his friend seemed too stunned to respond.

"To translate into the common tongue, the judge was sleeping with Jocelyn," said Elaine.

The outraged, "What?" from McCoy attracted attention from around the restaurant. Kirk grabbed McCoy's lower arm.

"Steady, Bones."

"She, they, were?" managed Bones in a less window-rattling voice.

"Yes. And we can prove it. That particular judge has not been as discreet as he thought he was. And Jocelyn was not the first person, or the last, he has traded favors with," said Elaine.

Denny grinned at McCoy. "It'll be a snap. A little public humiliation of the ex, and we'll have it all wrapped up before lunchtime."

"No," said McCoy. They all looked at him.

"No, what, Doctor?" asked Elaine.

"I don't want you dragging Jocelyn's name through the mud. It wouldn't be good for my little girl."

"But Doctor," started Denny.

"I said no," stated McCoy firmly, in that tone of voice that made interns and nurses run for cover. Anything else he might have said was interrupted by the beeping of his communicator. He flipped it open. A voice squawked over the connection.

"Doctor McCoy? You are needed at the hospital immediately."

"Blast. Yeah, I'll be there in about ten minutes."

Elaine waved over a staff member. "Doctor McCoy needs transportation to the Star Fleet medical complex immediately."

"Of course, Ms. Crane. This way, Doctor," said the waiter. They watched him leave the restaurant. Elaine sighed and said to Jim, "Honor before reason sort of guy?"

"You have no idea," said Jim. He frowned. "It's going to get him killed someday. Well, I'm sorry you wasted your time. I know Bones - when it comes to matters of right and wrong, he's about as movable as El Capitan."

Denny and Elaine looked at each other. Denny gave a small nod.

"Oh, I think we can work something out," said Elaine.

"But he just said he doesn't want you to..." Jim started.

"Oh, we've dealt with difficult clients before, Jim," said Denny. "Of course, most of them are howling for blood and need to be held back."

"How do you expect to proceed if he won't cooperate?" asked Jim, honestly puzzled.

Elaine smiled wolfishly at Jim. "Oh, we'll manage; It will just make things more challenging."

**-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-**

Chapter 2 is in the works - Elaine Shore vs. McCoy's ex. It just doesn't have enough snark yet to suit me

Remember! Feedback is the only compensation fan fic writers get!


	2. FIOP 2 Savannah

Standard disclaimers: Universes and characters belong to their respective creators and corporations, not me. (hey, we use this so much it could be an Internet acronym - UACBTTRCACNM - hmm, needs work)

-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-

2 - Savannah

Jocelyn Brooks McCoy Treadway breezed into the Savannah offices of Crane, Shore and Associates, her pet lawyer in tow. She was sleek, good-looking, and well dressed. Elaine hated her on sight. What had McCoy been thinking, to marry this iceberg disguised as a human being? Oh yes, got married while still in med school. Sleep deprivation explained so many poor decisions.

Jocelyn came to a dead stop at the reception desk. The young man at the desk was tall, built like a football player (in fact, he had been on the second string for the Savannah Tigers team last fall) - and wearing a dress much like the one Jocelyn was wearing. Jocelyn's face was priceless to behold. Elaine was so happy that they had paid for an agent to follow Jocelyn, and did not begrudge the rush fee to the clothing fabricator for the item. What did Denny call this in his inimitable twentieth century slang? Oh yes, 'mind screw'. Elaine smiled insincerely and showed them to a conference room.

"I'm a busy woman, Ms. Shore. You indicated that this was a matter of some importance. Please be brief," Jocelyn drawled as she sat down. She seemed to have recovered well. Good, thought Elaine. This wouldn't be half as much fun if Jocelyn folded right away.

"Ah, to the point. Very well. I'm representing Dr. Leonard McCoy. You may remember him? Your ex? You have been using every trick in the book to interfere with his visitation rights. This will stop immediately. As a matter of fact, while he is stationed on Earth, he is to have unlimited access to Joanna."

"Quite impossible. Dear Leonard is such a workaholic, always being called away to a patient. He can't watch a small child." Her voice was poisoned honey.

"Star Fleet has the best child care facilities on the planet. And, of course, we could call up the number of times you have left Joanna in child care while you and your new husband traveled here, there, and everywhere."

"You can try," she said. "But by the time it works through the courts, Leonard will be out in space again. So it hardly seems worth your time to even start." Jocelyn sounded very sure of herself.

"So, you have no interest in being gracious to a crew-member of the Enterprise. The ship that saved the planet, not to mention the rest of the Federation?"

"It was that Vulcan and that very good looking young man that saved the planet. I'm sure Leonard had nothing to do with it." Elaine had to hand it to Jocelyn; she had never seen anyone who could politely sneer with such panache.

"Ah, I rather thought you would take that position. Since you do not seem inclined to do the right thing, we will have to do this the hard way. We know about your relationship with Judge Lollard, and can prove it. The judge was not as discreet as he should have been, and neither were you."

Jocelyn sat back, a smug smile on her face. "Even if that were true, which, by the way I am not admitting, it doesn't matter in the least," she drawled.

"Because?" said Elaine.

"I know Leonard. He's too much of a gentleman to drag this out in open court." Jocelyn snorted. "He is such a throw-back. He should be out looking for the Grail, or hunting orcs, or some such."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," said Elaine.

"Yeah, well try living with it," retorted Jocelyn. "Gets old mighty damned fast, let me tell you."

"Be that as it may. I am no gentleman," said Elaine, cool threat in her voice.

"You can't go against your client' s wishes, as ridiculous as they are," said Jocelyn,

"But that's the beauty of it. I don't have to. The dishonorable judge has made a number of rather peculiar rulings over the years. Most of them seem to be connected to his rather broad tastes." Jocelyn started at that. Elaine allowed herself a small smile before continuing.

"Do you really think you are the only person who has persuaded the judge to your way of thinking by, uh-hem, extracurricular means? Female, male, Human, off-worlder - the man is as adventurous as he is dishonest. And, once you know what to look for, all provable We've already contacted some other dissatisfied parents, and they were very interested in Lollard's version of ex parte meetings. We'll be able to have a general review done of all of his cases, including yours" Jocelyn was fuming now.

"And, if that isn't incentive enough" continued Elaine, "there are your dear, sweet friends who swore up and down in open court that Dr. McCoy had said and done horrible things to you. Pity his last lawyer didn't bother to subpoena your friends' travel records. Some of them were off-world when they claimed to have been witnessing the events in question. I wonder how many of them will back you up now that we can hang perjury charges over them, hmm? And I imagine that would not help husband number two's political ambitions any, now would it? It wouldn't be going against my client's wishes, strictly speaking. We'd be going after your friends, not you."

Jocelyn's face had turned stark white. Her lawyer was making little ineffectual noises, which the women in the room easily ignored. Elaine shoved a datapad at Jocelyn.

"You'll find the new settlement and custody agreements there. I'll leave while you discuss it with your attorney. I think you'll find it is more than fair, all considering." Elaine managed to keep her face professional until she closed the door behind her. Denny was waiting for her.

"Well?"

"I'm ninety-five percent sure she'll fold. She has too much to lose."

Denny grinned at her. "Was I right, or was I right?"

Elaine smiled back at him. "Yes, you were right. It was fun, very fun indeed."

-i-i-i-i-i-i-

Well, still not as snarky as I wanted, but I guess it will do.

Perhaps unfair to ex-Mrs. McCoy (really, I like McCoy, but I have the feeling he isn't the easiest person in the galaxy to live with), but for the purposes of this story, she has to be the Wicked Witch of the Southeast. So there.

The third and final chapter is about 2/3 done. Barring weather/work/home appliance disasters, it should (!) be out soon. Thank you for your support.


	3. FIOP 3 Boston

Now for something truly daring - trying to write a "Boston Legal" style balcony scene.

Usual disclaimers: All rights belong to various and sundry creators and copyright holders, who may tell me to cease and desist whenever they wish to.

-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-

3 - Boston

Two people sat in comfortable lounge chairs on a penthouse balcony overlooking the Boston Harbor Spaceport. The man lit a cigar and settled back. He smirked at the woman. The woman smirked back.

"We won, of course. And we were on the side of the angels this time. No waffling over the merits of our client or his cause on this one. I hate moral ambiguity," said Denny.

"Yes, it is so ambiguous," agreed Elaine.

"You're looking remarkably smug, Elaine."

"Yes, well, let's say Jim Kirk's reputation is well deserved. I have no complaints." She spread one hand over her lower abdomen. "And I believe I have found the right candidate to father the next generation of Shores."

Denny raised his eyebrows at this. "Really? How did you manage that?"

"The usual way," she said dryly. "A little jiggery-pokery in the medicine cabinet, and then, well, you are certainly the last person who needs a diagram."

Denny leered at her. "Diagram? There's pictures?"

"In your dreams, Denny," replied an unruffled Elaine.

"If it's a boy, it will be named Alan, of course," said Denny.

"Of course. It's a tradition," said Elaine. "As I was saying before you libido interrupted, he's smart, ambitious, and is willing to interpret rules creatively for the greater good. Yes, an excellent candidate indeed. I have to train someone to keep an eye on you - that takes time."

"Any luck with our client?" he teased her.

"Not in the way you mean," she replied. She pulled out a small holopicture display and pressed the switch. An image came to life. It showed McCoy, Kirk, and some other members of the Enterprise's crew at the front entrance of the Academy. The camera swung around to show a ground car coming to a stop at the entrance. The driver got out and opened the back door of the vehicle. A small girl, no more than eight years of age popped out. She looked up at something to the right of the camera.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed. There was the sound of steps, and then there was McCoy, dropping to his knees to give his daughter a hug.

"Jo-Jo!" he exclaimed and then buried his face in her hair. "I've missed you so much."

"I missed you more," said Joanna. She pulled back a bit from her father. "Everyone at school says the people on the Enterprise are heroes and saved Earth. Does that make you a hero, too? Mama says no. Grandma McCoy says Mama is just being difficult."

McCoy snorted at that. "If you want to see the real heroes, look up there." He pointed at Jim and the other crew members. "Jim and Spock snuck aboard the Romulan ship and rescued Captain Pike. And Mr. Sulu there? Did you know he fought a big, scary Romulan with a sword?"

"Like in a storybook?"

"Yeah, sweet-pea, just like a book. All I did was patch 'em up when they were finished."

There were the sounds of footsteps, and then Kirk stooped down, so he was closer to Joanna.

"Your daddy is a hero, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, Jo. I can say that none of us would be here if it weren't for him."

"I knew Mama was wrong!" she said, and threw her arms around McCoy again.

Elaine switched off the projector and settled back in her chair. She took a sip of juice.

"Skipping the whiskey?"

"For the next several months," she answered. She studied her partner closely. "So, Denny, what was the real reason you wanted this case?"

"Over the years I've had my share of personal divorce court dust-ups. I felt for the man. And it's our patriotic duty to support our men in uniform."

"Yes, yes, they saved the planet. Your real reason?"

Denny gave her a sly look. "You may have noticed that his friend, the Captain, looks a bit like me?"

Elaine studied him for a moment. "Family?"

"Great grandson, I think, or maybe great-great. When you get to my age, it does tend to all run together,"

Elaine shrugged. "Still, saving the planet is a good enough reason. If it weren't for McCoy sneaking Kirk onto the Enterprise, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"You, maybe," said Denny.

"Immortal or not, I think even you might have had some problems being sucked into a singularity, Denny."

"Do you really think so?" Denny took another sip of his whiskey.

She looked at him in fond exasperation. "What was I thinking? A black hole versus your ego. Obviously you would be the winner."

Denny smiled and raised his glass to her. "Of course I would. Denny Crane."

###########

Denny being over 300 years old? This is not so far-fetched in Trek canon - remember the TOS episode "Requiem for Methusalah"? No one noticing that the same guy has been running the law firm for over 200 years? That is what moves this in crack-fic territory (or at least a suburb thereof). But of course no one notices - because in the Boston Legal 'verse, they not only jump the shark, they go double-dutch jumping with the shark.

Oh, and speaking of doppelganger crossovers - why, oh why have I yet to see this crossover: Transporter accident lands McCoy in Middle Earth. Everyone notices how much he looks like Eomer. Hilarity ensues.?


End file.
